I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream Ice Cream

Disclaimer: We’re sure Paramount doesn’t want this fic. Actually, we’re betting they’d be scarred for life if they read this. Go, us!

Authors’ Notes: This is supposed to be Sylvia’s birthday fic – good thing she didn’t kill us for it. In her words, “Let’s just say it’s been written on one of the hottest days in Germany this year. *g*”

Once upon a time, there was a regular joe. Except his name was Chakotay. Chakotay lived in the middle of the vast nowhere. This was a good thing because Chakotay was one of the most handsomest men in the universe. He wasn’t the most handsome man – that would be a certain ferengi called Dek who had really impressive ears, but Chakotay was almost a close second. He would have been in first place if it wasn’t for a certain thorn in his side that made his perfect, bronze skin slightly pale and his dazzling dimples a bit less stellar than was usual. That thorn was a woman called Kathryn Janeway, who also happened to be a Captain and Chakotay’s commanding officer. Kathryn usually only had three words for Chakotay: ‘Just do it’, which really meant ‘I love you’, but our hero never understood that. If he had, he might have made it to the number one spot, but as it was, he didn’t.

He also was very famous for his backrubs, well, very famous might have been a little too much, for Kathryn Janeway, his captain, was the only one who really knew about his gift after his mother died. She was stupid though as she rarely ever made use of it. She could have this treat whenever she wanted to, but obviously she never knew, or was just too stupid to realize it.

Unfortunately, Chakotay wasn’t the smartest man alive. Everyone else on Voyager knew that Kathryn Janeway and decaf didn’t go along well, but one day he had the guts to ‘surprise’ her with a cup of decaf. Well, the replicator was broken, so he didn’t really do it on purpose, or knew he did it, for that matter, but that’s beside the point. So of course Kathryn didn’t realize what he had done until after she’d already taken a sip. Now the rest of the bridge crew wisely moved out of striking rage as quickly as possible, but Chakotay sat down in his chair, unsuspecting.

Realizing he wasn’t the smartest kid on the block, Chakotay decided he needed to do some research. After all, he wanted to surprise his only love, and because she was her usual brilliant self, he figured he’d impress her with his historical knowledge. Not beating around the bush, he finally found the key to his love’s heart, or at least he thought he did, he managed to track down where the ship’s library was. Checking all the files, he came upon a historical figure who somehow seemed to fit his own personality. Kathryn would be stunned when she read his very detailed report about Earth’s true 21st century hero, George W. Bush, the 47th President of the United States of America. Kathryn would surely fall down on her knees, and ask him to marry her!

Unsurprisingly enough, Kathryn was less than impressed with his report. And in a moment of sudden genius, he decided to rethink his strategy. So he thought… and thought… and thought some more. And eventually, the solution came to him. A romantic bubble bath. What could be more perfect? Calling up the duty roster, he quickly identified when Kathryn’s next duty shift was. It would be all too easy to override the controls to her quarters, and to secretly fill the tub with warm water, bubble bath, and even a rubber duck! Sadly, our hero wasn’t as skilled as he liked to think he was in the stealth department. Sure, he was naturally blessed with dimples that could get him out of most situations… but Tuvok, demanding to know why he was attempting to break into the Captain’s quarters after he had managed to trip various alarms, seemed decidedly immune to his charms.

Meanwhile, as Tuvok was dragging our hero to the brig, Kathryn Janeway, being wise and more equipped in the stealth department than her soul mate, was lying draped across Chakotay’s sofa with a bottle of bailey’s and a smile. Her smile would have evaporated if she had known that her incredibly handsome and incredibly thick first officer was being pulled along to the brig by her incredibly anal security officer. Fortunately, help, unforeseen, was on its way. Just as Tuvok with Chuckles in tow, rounded the corner, a figure jumped out and yelled, “My name is Thomas Eugene Paris, you shut down Sandrine’s, prepare to be assimilated!”

Tuvok raised an eyebrow at this. “You are behaving irrationally, Lieutenant, and completely illogical. And I might also state this is far beyond your usual way of weirdness.”

Tom grinned at him, trying to keep from bursting out loud. “As I said, you will be assimilated. And look what I borrowed from Seven, nice assimilation material, don’t you think?” Tom held out something that pretty much looked like a daffodil. It had the yellow star-shaped petals, the green stem and the petals shaped like a tube, instead of the base of the flower it had a bunch of nanoprobes coming out of it every once in a while. “Cool, isn’t it?” He asked Chakotay who just stood gaping at it.

“Okay, so don’t answer,” Tom said, shrugging. “You’re not the brightest star in the sky anyway.”

Tom was waving the daffodil-shaped assimilation thingie in front of Tuvok. If Voyager’s Security Chief had been a lesser Vulcan, he would have been scarred for life. As it was, his brow merely headed for his hairline, as he asked, “Lieutenant, may I ask how you acquired this?”

“You might want to take a look at Voyager’s outer hull,” Tom replied, grinning. “Last time I saw Seven, she was tied to a lawn chair which in turn seemed to be glued right below the phaser banks. Well, since we’re moving at warp speed, we might already have lost her along the way.”